Camp Kristallnacht

Myth: In late April of 1945 Adolf Hitler put a bullet in his head to "evade" capture from invading Russian troops thus officially ending the Nazi stranglehold on Europe and ending WWII on the European stage.

Fact: After narrowly escaping the clutches of the Russian army, Hitler fled to South America where he met up with surgeon and Moroccan expatriate Gad Chaddid who performed a superficial sex change operation that consisted of stuffing two five pound bags of playground sand under the skin above his pectoral muscles and binding his feet. Continuing his (her?) search for a weapon to overcome the Allies in the world of the occult he used his new identity to enter the United States and become a camp counselor at a northern New Jersey summer camp. While there, using the legendary Spear of Longinus (disguised as a canoe paddle) he soon uncovered the existence of a reanimated corpse that acted as a spirit of revenge against those seen to be at fault for the drowning of a young child, the decapitation of the child's mother and the slaughter of roughly 5 million Jews. Eventually the unknown entity was able to overcome Hitler in 1985, killing him by jamming a machete into his rectum and spinning him atop it like a dradle. The Spear of Longinus was never recovered and Hitler's body was misidentified as former tennis champion Billie Jean King. The mistake was rectified in 2001 when someone realized Ms. King was still alive.

Sources:
-The piece of shit piece of clip art above.

Tony Hawk's Pro Infanticidal Maniac

This is the most despicable misrepresentation of an icon of my youth I've ever seen. Look at this symbol of youth culture. Wielding cold steel. Stabbing a baby in the throat. All forgivable. But bright yellow pants? Tony Hawk would never! This is beneath driving a Pizza Hut truck and sporting an elusive red mullet! How dare they destroy my childhood so. That being said I'm sure this will be on a fucking Birdhouse shirt in Hot Topic by next week.

I said NO!

I can still hear the cries for help coming from the apartment of Glassy Eyes McGee and his wife Frogmouse. Her Pay-per-view porn addiction was tearing their marriage apart. Sure, in the beginning it was simple girl on girl prison soft porn, but as the days and months went by she would stay up all night watching frog smut, campy politically driven super porn and in the end, the most troubling cry for help of them all "The One Tape" (aka Back Door Sluts 9). Eventually he flew into a rage, throwing the TV into the wall screaming "No Moar!". He then turned on her. She squeak/croaked her last squeak/croak at 2:28am, Tuesday the 22nd of January, 1989. She will be missed.

...or someone needs to figure out some better subject matter before flinging useless mind numbing clipart upon the world. Fuck.

Accidentally Run Over and Documented in Vector Format

I won't even attempt to create a humorous caption to try and capture the meaning behind this.....Please let us know if you can find an appropriate place to use this in any sort of publishing.

My Desk is Currently Organized in this Manner.

I decided to do a quick search for pizza this afternoon rather then redraw a client's previous artwork, and realized my desk is extremely unorganized.

CD-Rs - Check
Artwork - Check
Invoices - Check
Bin with Pizza and Floppy Disk - .......fuck

Acid is fun.

We now have clip art from the mind of Wes Craven and Tim Burton's demonic, halucinegenic mushroom consuming bastard child. The clip art tag words for this said something about snakes and pillows. I'm calling bullshit on that. Those "snakes" are fucking forks. That pillow is very likely a sausage. So what we have here are two forks fighting over a sausage. They seem to do battle by spitting all over each other. The next stage will most likely involve some strange method of fork rape. At least that's what I can hope for. I can only hope that this image will remain a poor representation of... I don't know. Something... and stay the hell out of the real world. Should I ever see something like this in real life, rest assured, I will snatch up the offending forksnake and jam him deep into my temple thus ending shitty clip art's reign on my sanity.

Interorectogestion

Hey. This guy here is jamming a turkey in his ass. How about that. The only application I could see this being useful in is placing it in the margin of a Comedy Central program guide on the night that South Park reruns the episode where everyone eats through their ass and poops out of their mouth. I actually feel bad for this poor bastard. It's obvious from the look on his face that this is a compulsion. He's sick people! Stop judging him! On the other hand he's ruining a perfectly good turkey by slamming it into his gaping maw. No matter how you feel about this the one thing I think we can agree on is the fact that it makes you rather hungry. I think it's lunchtime.

....i give up

I stared at this for fifteen minutes before deciding that not only is this piss poor clipart, but that it has absolutely no use in any context anywhere. Apparently someone out there has decided to camouflage what appears to be a tiger sporting a Flock of Seagulls haircut, wearing Ugg slip-ons into an over sized and obnoxiously tacky paintbrush. What kind of tiger wears fucking foot protection, and needs to hide behind a paintbrush? Fuck that. Looks like the paintbrush is rocking straight through his ass out his stupid surprised mouth...

Tigers are better then that, I want you all to know that...

Punch drunk off your ass

Finally. I am tired of doing projects where I need clip art that combines the angry aggression of fisting with the closeness of cunnilingus and coming up empty handed. But here we are at last. I can barely explain the comfort felt as I stick this in my next company newsletter. It can only be rivaled by the contented joy displayed by the smile on what I can only believe is the worlds happiest anthropomorphic rectal prolapse. I love it when clip art really speaks to me.

Why would I leave my sword there?

The murder aspect of this bit of clip art should be the most disturbing part, but it isn't. It's not so much that the victim with what I can only assume is half a sword jammed in his asshole is doing an inexplicable backbend that has had him come to rest on the instrument of his demise. Not the fact that the killer is not in the image and therefore still on the loose. What is the problem? The slave sitting on the giant Mike & Ike candy that is cringing at the site of the dead man's nether region. What could he be seeing? The sword's termination point? Was he rocking some serious hooker sores? Did his taint have a birthmark in the shape of Spain? What could it be? But, more mysterious still.... What the fuck could you ever use a piece of clip art like this for? Well, besides this of course.

Meat head

This image was found during a clip art search for "steak". That means that is a hot steak on this guy's head. Someone felt that anyone might one day have need of a picture of Bob the builder with a slab of steaming meat on his head. The innuendo seems perfect for a kids' portal to a hardcore gay porn site. What an asshole.

STFU Apple!

This bit of clip art is not just disturbing, but educational. I had no clue that large tongued grasshopper things detested apples so. Seriously though... what the hell is going on here?